As much as hiding away in your bedroom seems like the only solution to anything, it’s not. As much as avoiding any type of social interaction all day seems like the best solution, it’s not. Because I had a damn good time tonight, even though it was with people I don’t usually hang out with, it was nice. Being an introvert is not a bad thing at all- hell, I’m a huge introvert- but sometimes I use that as an excuse to hide away and avoid the big bad scary world and the big bad scary people. Once you step out though, it’s not all that scary.

Just had a 30 minute discussion with my stepmom about smoking weed/cigarettes/drinking. It was SO AWKWARD. I’m really lucky though, because she totally doesn’t care what I do and literally just told me to smoke in the house if I want to/SHARE WITH THEM!~!!!!(SO AWKWARD). And my dad and her apparently get high with my uncle jeremy sometimes when we’re not home. Basically she gave me permission to do anything as long as i’m safe?? Like, I told her I do it occasionally so i’m not hiding anything. IDK IT’S JUST SO AWKWARD!! And then she was like talking about how i don’t even smoke cigarettes in front of them so why would i smoke weed in front of them? so that’s awkward too. So, some people would love to have parents like this for sure, but it just makes me uncomfortable. 

I had a dream that I could see dead people, or i guess ghosts, but it was like they didn’t know they were dead and would sit by my side and act like everything was normal. So, I had like a three part dream. First one was that I worked in a office like room with at least 30 people. The walls were white white white, like it hurt my eyes in the dream. And I couldn’t hear, everything was really muffled. But two people came in and started shooting up the place, which is a common occurence in my dreams. I was at the very end of the room on the side so i thought I would be okay until they came over to me and looked under the tables we were all hiding under and started to shoot my desk neighbor, they seriously didn’t stop shooting and it just kept on going and going and i was thinking ok, this means that they most likely won’t shoot me now. But, they looked over and started shooting me and they wouldn’t stop but I could still think and then i died and in my dream went back to my dream family and it was winter and we were in a wagon in the backyard and i was alive i think?? not sure but there were like three younger sisters and i remember being like try really hard and you can see me, just keep trying i’m here! and then the dad started to be able to see me first and everyone thought he was crazy but he was crying on the ground and then by the end of the dream they were all in the backyard which again was rreally white and they could all see me and everyone was crying.

my second dream involved Jason, which hasn’t happened in a long while but i guess it is nearing june so, yeah. I was in front of a huge church type thing where his funeral would be held and I just couldn’t go in. Like my brain was like nononono. So, I stood on the side of the church and then he like appeared. he wasn’t even ghost like and he just hugged me and took me by the shoulder and told me everything was going to be okay and that people needed me inside. and he guided me into the church and he was like right by my side as we walked down the long aisle to get to the front. and then he was gone. it was good. really good. Then when i got in and he was gone people from my school were there, and apparently everyone was trying to have this big party at a funeral. So i got super pissed and yelled at everyone and just kept saying THIS IS A FUNERAL. And yeah. Dreams are weird.

I had another one but i’m too bored with typing.

 a little sister and she had died in a car crash and I was trying to convince everyone that was really sad that you could see her if you tried.

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numbing:

i don’t really have any regrets from high school except one maybe

i wish i had realized sooner that it was ok to be an introvert??? i spent so much time feeling miserable and having pity parties for myself and whenever i tried to make friends and go out and have a good time, i always ended up feeling uncomfortable and miserable. i would always see everyone with all of their friends and i’m like am i missing something??? and finally something clicked in my mind where i realized that it was okay to be super lame and spend a lot of time by myself and not have very many friends. it’s ok!!!! stop caring what other people think and just be yourself. that’s probably the lesson here　

my bird is cray cray

just chillin on my head

last year around this time I tried to ombre my hair and it didnt work but this time I bleached it and wah-la! I am quite happy, I have blue and purple hair dye to use but think I’m going to keep it just blonde for a bit.

my future scares the shit out of me and I’m just sad. sad that I may or may not see crush girl over the summer, sad that I probably won’t see but a select few people over the summer and eventually those people won’t matter because we will all grow up and get jobs in different states and then well die so everything is pointless. (help in the mindset again), sad I won’t see any of my favorite teachers again, sad that I never developed a close bond with any teachers. sad I wasted all of high school and jepordized(spelled so wrong) my GPA/future/college life because I was too scared to come to school most days. I’m just angry at my brain for fucking me over and I’m angry at myself for not getting help until now and high school just kind of sucked. whatever though, I learned a lot and will probably make a long post tomorrrow after school. my last day.

(Late) Prom ‘12 (Taken with instagram)

Last night with rain, will always be my favorite dog foreverandeverandever. (Taken with instagram)